While I was 'still going through it'.
It was ten years ago.
A quiet miscarriage.
Early.
Still real.
At first, he said all the right things.
But within days, the tone shifted.
There were messages. Missed calls.
Subtle hints that I was making things harder than they needed to be.
That I needed to "snap out of it" and show some resilience.
I felt like I was doing something wrong -
That taking time off for a genuine 'sickness' reason was wrong.
And it did more than affect me then.
It became who I would be for years to come.
I became someone too afraid to take any sick days.
I came into work no matter the cost to me.
After a car crash.
Even on my booked and approved days off.
I felt like I had to prove myself.
It was me putting my value in being present that took away from focusing on output.
And it was created by leadership, not my own beliefs.
I've since snapped out of it, but -
I still see this happen today. Leaders are;
❌ Asking people to join Zoom calls from hospital beds
❌ Saying “let someone else have the time off next time”
❌ Denying time off because “you weren’t that far along”
❌ Rejecting phased return, no adjustments - just silence
This isn’t just poor management.
It’s not just insensitive leadership.
It’s discrimination.
Because under the Equality Act 2010, when someone is mistreated for anything connected to a characteristic named in the EqA2010,
They are protected - by law.
And asking someone to return to work before they are medically, mentally or emotionally ready can be discrimination.
If you’re in leadership, ask yourself this:
✅ Would you know how to support someone through a miscarriage?
✅ Would your process protect them - or protect you?
✅ Would they feel safe disclosing it in the first place?
Because culture isn’t tested by perks.
It’s tested by trauma response.
Would she feel safe telling you today what I couldn’t say a decade ago?
If you're dealing with a similar sensitive matter at work, I'd love to chat.
👋🏽 𝗛𝗶, 𝗜’𝗺 𝗧𝗶𝗻𝗮, 𝗳𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿 𝗼𝗳 𝗛𝗥 𝗛𝗮𝗯𝗶𝘁𝗮𝘁.
𝗪𝗲’𝗿𝗲 𝘁𝗶𝗿𝗲𝗱 𝗼𝗳 𝗛𝗥 𝗵𝗼𝘁𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗲𝘀, 𝘁𝗼𝗼.
𝗪𝗲 𝗳𝗶𝘅 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗛𝗥 𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗲𝗳𝗶𝗲𝗹𝗱𝘀 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗱𝗶𝗱𝗻’𝘁 𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗴𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘄𝗿𝗼𝗻𝗴.
𝗠𝘆 𝗺𝗶𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗶𝘀 𝘁𝗼 𝗲𝗺𝗯𝗲𝗱 𝗴𝗲𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿 𝗲𝗾𝘂𝗶𝘁𝘆 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗼 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆𝗱𝗮𝘆 𝗹𝗲𝗮𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗽—𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗲𝗻 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘄𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗻 𝗮𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲.
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Founder of HR Habitat, award winner of "Best HR & Employment Law Consultancy, 2024" title. As featured in BBC Oline, BBC Asian Network Radio, Telegraph & more.
